Our Class E is Incredibly Unusual, as Expected
by luckychaos
Summary: Nagisa wasn't entirely sure what to expect when he ended up in Class E, but it certainly wasn't being told to kill his teacher. That proves to be the least strange thing, though, as he slowly starts to learn about his new classmates and the dark secrets they hide. The twenty-six students that make up the End Class are all strange, but some are stranger than most.
1. Nagisa I & Hachiman I

**Nagisa I**

Wearily, I looked up the mountain I had to climb to go to class. Stone stairs, overgrown and crumbling, would lead me to the old campus of Kunugigaoka High School, where I was to spend the rest of the year. I, along with my new classmates, would be ostracized from and by the main campus back down in the city, scorned by those with the intelligence and ambition to keep ahead of the pack. Such was the punishment of those who'd failed to meet the standards of our illustrious school, shunned to a place of no return.

After all, there was a reason that Class E had been nicknamed the "End Class".

I forced myself to smile. Despite what they said, this wasn't going to be the end for me. People had crawled out of Class E before and I knew that I had what it took to do so. I may not have had any real friends to speak of in Class E, but that wouldn't-

"Yo, Shiota-san."

I blinked, snapping myself from my thoughts, and turned to see the thick and wide face of a thug pressed _way_ too close to me.

Still, it was a face I knew, so I wasn't too surprised. Besides, I'd heard the big guy coming a mile away.

"Hello, Gouda-san," I greeted the hulking boy in front of me with a smile. Gouda looked more like an adult bodybuilder than a teenager, with his towering physique and prematurely-aged face that would fit better on a yakuza member. But despite appearances and habits (his constant invasion of personal space being one of them), he was probably the kindest person I had ever met. "And please, didn't I tell you to call me by my first name?"

"Did you?" Gouda wondered, tapping a finger to his ridiculously thick lips and leaning back. I was thankful for that; whatever he had for breakfast, its smell was heavy in his breath. "Sorry about that, I must've forgotten…"

"It's okay," I offered. "I know it's kind of a weird request, but I'd really prefer it if people called me Nagisa."

After all, it would save plenty of confusion down the road if Mom and Dad ever got back together…

"I'll remember, then," Gouda assured me, nodding seriously.

"And I'll have to remind you to remember," sighed a softer voice from his side. I almost hadn't noticed the other boy next to Gouda, which I liked to think was forgivable, considering the latter's sheer size. "And hello, Nagisa."

"Good morning, Sunakawa-san," I said. Sunakawa was, put bluntly, every girl's dream of an ideal man. With good looks straight from a boy band and an aloof attitude that made him appear mysterious, it was difficult to find a single girl on campus that didn't have a crush on him. I would've been jealous of him, like every other guy, if I thought girls might even look at me that way if he wasn't around. Not many girls wanted to ask out a guy that looked almost exactly like one of them, after all.

"So you ended up in Class E, too, Shi- Er, I mean, Nagisa?" Gouda asked conversationally as the three of us began climbing up the stairs. I would've been perfectly content to spend the walk in silence, since I wasn't nearly as close to those two as they were with each other, but oh well. It was no difference to me.

"Why else would he be here?" Sunakawa sighed again. He seemed to do that a lot.

"Heh, yeah, I did," I admitted, laughing nervously and scratching the back of my head. My ponytail shifted as my fingers brushed against it. Masking my annoyance at how long my hair had gotten, I continued. "Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm sorry to see you guys here with me, too."

"Don't worry about it," Gouda easily dismissed, waving a meaty hand. "I kinda expected to be here this year, honestly. My grades were never really the best. Kinda surprised that Suna ended up here, though. He always was good about studying."

Sunakawa yawned and turned his gaze to the woods around us. "Just how it happened, I guess," he murmured.

Something about his tone…

"But still, I'm not worried!" Gouda suddenly boasted, pumping a fist against his chest and proudly staring up the mountain. "Being put in Class E can't be as bad as they say it is. I'm sure the three of us will come out on top in no time! Right, Suna, Nagisa?" He gave a big thumbs-up at the both of us, grinning.

Even though it was hard for me to share his optimism, I knew it'd be a bit awkward for me to refuse him. So I simply smiled again and said "Sure!"

But as Gouda and Sunakway resumed talking about whatever they were before they'd ran into me, I nervously looked up the stairs. A few other students were walking ahead of us, the nearest being a pair of girls chatting with each other. I think the pink-haired one with twin pigtails was… Kaname was her last name, but what was her first? Madoka? Yeah, that sounded right. The other one, with shoulder-length black hair and glasses, I didn't recognize.

I looked past them, past the top of the mountain, all the way up to the sky, and saw it. Somehow, it was still visible that morning. The moon, broken into a permanent crescent. Something had destroyed over seventy percent of the moon's mass two months ago, in an event that still no one had any idea of what really happened.

Despite the sheer impossibility that loomed in the sky, the world kept turning. Nothing really changed down here.

I looked back down, my eyes only on the next step in front of me. For me, at least, it was hard to keep your head up while you were in the End Class.

* * *

 **Hachiman I**

It was fitting, really. Because of my own stupidity, I'd be missing out on the first day of class and spending it in the hospital.

Not that I minded, of course. I got to be all alone with nothing but books and the Internet to keep me company, so there really was nothing to complain about. Besides, school was a jail, and no school was quite like Kunugigaoka High in that regard. You could say it passed as a jail with flying colors, but calling it such would likely only encourage the dark overlord that oversaw it all. No, best not to give the man any more credit.

I was only delaying the inevitable, I knew. I, along with twenty-something other misfits and dunces, had been exiled to the very fringes of Asano's little fiefdom to the oh so lovingly titled "End Class". Perhaps the "Borderlands" or "a leper's colony" would have been more fitting, but I wasn't around for that meeting so they were woefully without my suggestions. Either way, it was probably just as well that I was already in Class E to begin with. A trip to the hospital was no excuse for poor grades at Kunugigaoka, so in all likelihood I would've been dumped there within a week.

I glanced at my leg and entertained the idea of moving it before crumbling it into a mental paper ball and tossing into the garbage bin. The sooner I healed, the sooner I could get back home. The sooner I could get back home, the sooner Komachi didn't have to come home to an empty house. After that…

Well, my prison sentence would truly begin, wouldn't it?

I was rudely interrupted from my self-pity by a knock on my door. What say you, Raven? Nevermore?

"Come in," I shot back dully. My wit would likely be wasted on the nurses here, anyway. Also, my voice had cracked. Hopefully they hadn't noticed. The shame of a young man my age whose voice still cracked would be utterly unbearable for my family.

I did my best to hide my surprise when, instead of the portly nurse who usually cared for me, a tall man in an impeccable suit strolled in, all broad shoulders and militaristic aura. Oi, did the car that hit me belong to some mysterious, clandestine organization that now had to permanently silence me for some arbitrary reason? Perhaps I'd be told that the accident had triggered some previously dormant power within me and I was now to join an elite squad of similarly-enhanced teenagers with attitude?

Oh, he's speaking.

"Hikigaya, was it?" he asked crisply. Damn, he was even wearing sunglasses indoors, too. His Men in Black reading was off the charts.

"Y-Yes," I replied.

He nodded and handed me a folder. "Your teacher asked that I deliver this to you and wishes for a speedy recovery," was all he said before coolly walking out.

Damn you, Kunugigaoka! Can't a man lick his wounds in peace?! At least wait before sending your secret police after me!

At least, that was my first thought, until I actually looked at the folder on my lap. It certainly didn't _look_ like it had come from Kunugigaoka at all.

"SENSEI'S GUIDE TO HEALING A BROKEN LEG (WITH BONUS ILLUSTRATIONS AND CONTENT!)"

That was the title.

What.

I flipped it open to find it was exactly as advertised. The "illustrations", though, if they could be called that, were just a bunch of smiley faces and… were those tentacles? Come to think of it, whoever wrote this seemed to insert the word "tentacle" whenever possible in the instructions. Was my new teacher secretly a pervert or something?

When I finally hit the "bonus content", which was actually homework for the next week, I knew that they must have had some sick joy out of kicking students while they were down.

Definitely a pervert.


	2. Ami I & Anri I

**Ami I**

"And so, like, I really hope we can be friends!" I declared with as much enthusiasm as I could muster, being sure to straight into her eyes so I came off as earnest as possible.

"O-Of course!" Yui Yuigahama shakily answered, smiling even though she'd seemed bothered just five minutes ago. She probably was just unhappy that she was in Class E. It was the last place a pretty girl would want to end up, after all. She pushed back a lock of coral-colored hair behind her ear. "I hope so, too, Kawashima-san."

"That means _so_ much to me," I told her, laying the sincerity on as thickly as possible. Now for the appropriate amount of whininess… "I just transferred here and don't know anyone, so I thought no one would want to be friends with me…"

"Don't be silly!" Yuigahama assured me. It seemed like I'd been dead right about this girl. One of those quick to trust types that never thought for a second that anyone would take advantage of her. So honest. It was almost enviable. "I'm sure you'll make plenty of friends here! It's just, like…" She looked at the rest of the classroom, though her eyes seemed distant. "Everyone here might not be thinking about making friends first. Especially in this class."

Hm, maybe she was a bit sharper than I first gave her credit for. Though anyone with two brain cells to rub together would've been able to read the mood. So she gets points for basic observational skills, at least. Still, it was becoming clear to me that her heart wasn't in the conversation and that her mind was elsewhere.

Fine by me. I got what I wanted anyway. I needed to end the conversation before topics strayed toward the serious.

"Maybe," I said, pulling off the half-pout, half-cheerful voice I'd mastered over the last few years. "Well, class should be starting soon, right? I really need to find my seat!"

"Oh, shoot, me too! Well, good luck, Kawashima-san!"

"Thanks!" At that, I cleanly exited from Yuigahama and went straight for my seat. She was the last girl I needed to talk to that seemed approachable in this class. Iki, Kaname, and Kayano, were their names I think. I might have already forgotten one or two. All the rest came off as too pretentious or irritable to even bother trying to be nice to. Especially that Aisaka girl. Bratty little half-pint responded to my carefully-constructed, winning smile with a disgusted eye roll before shoving her face back in her phone.

Whatever. I wouldn't bother with a little bitch like that.

I deliberately neglected to speak to any of the boys that were in my class. For now. I'd already gotten their attention by being the prettiest girl around. That wasn't me bragging either; it was a simple fact, and besides, no other girl here was a model. Yuigahama might give me a run for my money, though, if she actually tried or knew how to play the game.

Some of the boys certainly seemed entertaining, at least. Sunakawa was hands-down the hottest of the bunch; any girl that claimed to not be ogling him was either lying or a lesbian. Yuta wasn't far behind him, all tall and slender. Between those two, there was plenty of eye candy to go around. That redhead, Emiya I think, was pretty cute, too, but he seemed a bit too… 'distant' didn't quite fit. It was hard to describe, but whatever it was, it was off-putting.

Though that was certainly better than that sniveling creep that claimed to be his "friend". Your possessive, weak charisma might work on a wide-eyed first-year, Matou, but not me. Better luck with girls like Kaname or Sonohara, they seemed like they had low enough self-esteem to give you a shot, or even try to "fix" you.

Unfortunately, Kitamura was back in the main campus, so he couldn't run interference for the creeps like he usually did. He was such a white knight. But whatever. I'd figure something out.

As I sat down in my rickety, wooden chair, I gave the room itself a more critical eye. The remnants of heavily-chipped paint sadly clung to the walls, which seemed ready to blow over at the slightest breeze. The windows were dusty and filthy, clearly never touched for what must have been years. Every floorboard creaked and groaned at the slightest weight, even when a little slip of a girl like Kaname walked on them.

Christ, this place really is a shithole. No wonder the "End Class" got dumped here.

Though I still saw this garbage heap of a campus as beneath me, it was probably for the best that I went somewhere so low profile for school. It was the best place to avoid… undesirables.

Matou walked past, giving me a toothy grin that looked like more than that of a chimpanzee than a human.

Well, those that didn't already go here, anyway.

Everyone was more or less seated at that point. A noticeably heavy silence began to fill the room, for obvious reasons; it was starting to sink in for these kids that they actually were in Class E. It was almost pitiful. The moment our teacher walked in through that door, our year as the dregs of Kunugigaoka High would truly begin.

The door opened, and three men and one woman in suits stalked into the room, their expressions grim. While everyone in the class starting murmuring amongst themselves, not even the façade I'd maintained all morning could keep my eyebrow from quirking upward.

That was… unexpected. The hell was going on here? I'd heard jokes that the old campus was like the Alcatraz for Kunugigaoka High, but I hadn't taken them seriously.

The four suits stood in front of the chalkboard and stood at attention, crisp and efficient with their every move. What, were they military or something? Another man with spiky black hair followed them into the room, tall and rigid. Even taller than Yuta, though not as much as the hulking mouth-breather who sat right behind me. He stood ahead of his… associates, I guessed, beside the desk, arms folded behind him, but otherwise said nothing.

Ooh, super serious stuff must be about to happen. Should be _fun_.

* * *

 **Anri I**

 _I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you._

"Do you think something bad happened?" Kaname whispered beside me, her voice full of concern. She fretted in her seat, nervously glancing back at the empty seat behind her. "I hope everyone's okay…"

"I hope so, too," I replied absently, staring at the men in suits that had suddenly walked into the room. They couldn't have been after me. Couldn't they? I was promised that no one from Ikebukuro would chase after me, but I really should have known better.

 _I love you. I love you. I want to love them. Let me love them. I love you. I love you._

I thought that moving to Fuyuki would be for the best. To get away from the constantly-escalating gang violence in Ikebukuro. I even left behind Celty and… the others… so that I could have some time alone. To think. But it was becoming clear I could never find peace. Not with Saika.

The man with the spiky black hair was like a statue. I'd been around enough yakuza to know that look. He was a soldier, without a doubt, one who had seen combat. Seen death. It wasn't a hard look to find, especially for someone like me. The man's eyes shifted toward the door and very slightly nodded. That must have been a signal, since the door opened again.

 _I love you. I love you. I lo-_

And in walked…

Um.

I'd seen a lot of things that didn't make any sense. A headless horsewoman that rode a motorcycle made of shadows chief among them. But this…

"Nice to meet you!" greeted the yellow octopus-like thing that had slithered its way into the classroom. Its face, an almost cartoonish parody of a smiley face, stared back at us with tiny, beady eyes. Never once did its mouth move, frozen in a full grin. "I'm the one that blew up the moon. I also plan on blowing up the Earth next year. Seeing as I've become your homeroom teacher, I look forward to working with you!"

It listed all those things off as if they were the most natural things in the world. It was even wearing teaching robes. It had a cap on and everything. But-

 _LET ME LOVE THEM. LET ME LOVE THEM. I LOVE THEM. LET ME LOVE THEM._

My knuckles went bone-white, fingernails digging into my palms. I had to keep control.

 _LET ME LOVE THEM. LET ME LOVE THEM. I LOVE THEM. I LOVE THEM._

"I'm Karasuma, from the Ministry-"

Keep control. Keep control.

 _LET ME LOVE THEM. LET ME LOVE THEM. I LOVE THEM. LET ME LOVE THEM._

"-to say is classified-"

 _LET ME LOVE THEM. LET ME LOVE THEM. I LOVE THEM. LET ME LOVE THEM._

I could feel her inside me, churning, screaming. I had to keep control!

"-kill this-"

 _LET ME LOVE THEM. LET ME LOVE THEM. I LOVE THEM. LET ME LOVE THEM._

Keep control!

"Saika," I whispered through gritted teeth, so desperately and so softly that no one could hear. "Stop. _Now_."

 _… I love you._

I know you do.

I took a deep breath, slowly calming my nerves. That had gotten far too close. Whatever this thing, our new teacher was, it had to have been human. Saika only cared about humans, and for her to go crazy like that over it… It must truly been something special.

But now I could finally focus on everything else.

"Hold on, you're seriously telling _us_ to kill that alien thing?!" shouted one of the boys.

"Hey, I'll have you know I was born and raised on Earth!" our teacher protested, waving its tentacles defiantly. It really looked like a cartoon character to life, complete with exaggerated movements and expressions.

"This is such bull," muttered another boy, the one with a red pompadour.

 _I love you. I love you. I want to love them. Let me love them. I love you. I love you._

As Karasuma went on to explain how this creature came to be our teacher, Kaname leaned in to whisper at my side, "Sonohara-san, do you… do you really think they want us to _kill_ him?" Any closer and Saika might try to sneak a cut on her. I put a little distance between us just in case.

"I hope not," was all I could offer. "But if he really is planning on destroying the world, we may not have a choice."

Kaname clasped her hands together and looked down, clearly distraught.

"But… _why_?" she begged, her voice strained and heavy with confusion.

 _I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you._


	3. Nagisa II

**Nagisa II**

That Karasuma man was utterly serious. He honestly expected a bunch of high school students to kill that… octopus? Humanoid emoticon? Whatever it was, it easily dodged every strike and thrust of Karasuma's knife with a goofy grin on its face and even spared the time to touch up his eyebrows. If Karasuma was to be believed, it moved at _Mach 20_. How the hell could any of us totally average teenagers even _touch_ it?

It was obvious to see that all of us were having doubts. Exchanged worried glances, cold sweats, panicked whispering, all signs of confusion and fear. We'd all expected to begin a hellish year of school, not... not an assassination!

Even if that octopus supposedly was going to destroy the world, it all just seemed too surreal.

"Is there no way you won't destroy the Earth?" called out one of my classmates. A redhead, Emiya. "I just… I don't see why anyone would want to do that in the first place."

"Ah, I'm afraid planetary annihilation is inevitable, if you don't kill me that is," the octopus replied jovially. That last part sounded almost teasing. "As for whether I want to destroy the world or not, it's ultimately irrelevant. Just know that I _will_."

"Of course, you'll be appropriately compensated for your heroic actions," Karasuma interjected, cutting off Emiya's reply. "Ten billion yen will be your reward, should you successfully assassinate him."

The room froze. You could've heard a pin drop.

… Did… Did I hear him right?

Then, pandemonium.

"Ehhhhhhh?!"

"Wait, what?!"

"Ten billion?! Fuck yeah!"

"With that money, I could-"

"Nico can't even _count_ that high!"

"This is absurd!"

And those were only the responses I could make out. Some students, like Sunakawa, Maki, and Iki simply went wide-eyed and silent, their faces caught in slack shock. Most, though, were… vocal. It wasn't hard to pick out Tenga's rough voice among the din, along with Aisaka's and Echizen's. Too many different people with too many different reactions almost overwhelmed me, so much so that I almost forgot how I felt about recent developments.

To be honest, I wasn't even _sure_ how I felt. I was supposed to be upset with killing someone, right? But… Ten billion yen, to save the world?

That didn't sound so bad, all things considered.

"Now, now, I know the money could make focusing solely on killing me a tempting prospect," the octopus said as things slowly calmed down. "But that doesn't excuse any of you from slacking on your studies!" He jabbed a tentacle at us. "Sensei expects each and every one of you to live up to your full potential as assassins _and_ as students!"

"Pfft, with ten billion yen I don't see much reason to bother with school," sneered Matou, leaning back into his seat with a cocky grin.

"Nuruhuhuhuhu!" the octopus giggled. For some reason, green lines appeared to go horizontally across his face all of a sudden. "You may think so now, Matou-san, but you'll find killing me to be a more difficult task than you expect! Besides, if you all do well on your exams, I _may_ be willing to allow for handicaps and other incentives. But that's _only_ if you meet my standards!"

"But your standards would hardly match up to our standards," pointed out one of the girls. Her large, spiky black ponytail made her already tall figure seem to loom above those around her. "So you could just be setting up an unreachable goal so we never get a chance."

"Indeed, you would be correct, Yaoyorozu-san," Sensei conceded, nodding as the green lines faded away. "But worry not; Sensei is a harsh but fair Sensei! My standards are those of Kunugigaoka High, so your curriculum will be similar in difficulty to those of your main campus peers."

"I see." Yaoyorozu nodded seriously, accepting his answer easily. "Then I have no issues with that." That was hardly surprising; she was an honors student, last year. So then why was she here with us?

"Oi, I got a question," piped in Tenga. Unlike Emiya, he tended to live up more to the stereotypes of redheads. "Didn't Karasuma say you can't be killed by normal weapons? Then how the hell are we supposed to kill ya?"

"Your government has developed anti-me weapons that have proven to be quite effective!" If Sensei seemed at all bothered with that, he hid it remarkably well. As he spoke, one of Karasuma's men wheeled in a large metal crate. "Oh goody, and here they are!"

We were all handed a knife and a gun, which was either an assault rifle or a pistol. All of the weapons were painted dark green, and the knives flopped around as if they were made of rubber. The ammo for the guns were simple pink B.B.'s that had Sensei's face stenciled on them. Honestly, it felt like we were just given a bunch of toys, instead of actual weapons intended for killing.

It felt odd, holding the pistol in my hands. I'd never touched a gun before, and it wasn't like they were a common sight in everyday life. But now that I thought about it, none of that really bothered me. The fact that I could hurt someone, even if there was only one person in the world who it could hurt, wasn't all that upsetting t to me. I just… accepted it.

It belatedly occurred to me that the idea of killing anyone should have immediately repulsed me. It certainly bothered others in the class. Emiya, certainly, and it looked like Kaname was torn as well. Some seemed excited, others determined.

As for myself…. I'd be lying if I didn't feel a little thrill at the turn of events. What had at first appeared to be a dismal year of climbing out of the gutters now promised to be something a bit more exciting.

My hand tightened around the pistol, letting my thumb roll over the little bumps that ran along the grip. I looked up at our Sensei, the creature who was our teacher and our target. Then I smiled. Sensei smiled back.

It was the beginning of our year in this assassination classroom. The longest, happiest, saddest, most chaotic year of our lives.


	4. Ami II

**Ami II**

Of _course_ Matou was the first one to try and kill him.

It was the second day of class. No one seemed to have the balls to try the first day, though I guess it wasn't too hard to figure out why: most normal people can't exactly flip the switch into killer mode at the drop of a hat. Even if that hat was filled with ten billion yen.

Still, it was easier for some than others. In a move that shocked absolutely no one, least of all me, Matou pushed aside whatever lingering doubts and moral issues he may have had rather quickly.

But as far as assassination attempts went, it was pathetically uninspired. The goon simply stood up and opened fire, unloading the entire damn thing at Sensei. Seriously, was that all he could come up with? No wonder he was stuck in Class E.

I was _also_ annoyed with him because the sudden burst of gunfire was _loud as hell_ in close quarters, even if it was only an air rifle, especially since I wasn't prepared for it at all! At least have the decency to tell everyone your master plan so I can close my damn ears first!

Not that any of that mattered. Sensei blurred across the chalkboard, easily dodging every single pellet. When he stopped, that wide grin was there like it always was, though with the addition of those green stripes that ran along his face sometimes.

"I'm surprised you children waited this long to assassinate me," Sensei said, fixing Matou with that beady-eyed stare of his. "While I feel I must commend your boldness, Matou-san, I'm afraid you'll have to be a bit more creative if you can even hope to kill me!"

"Tch." Matou's face scrunched unpleasantly. What was it like, Matou, to always wear your emotions on your sleeve? It must be exhausting. "At least I _tried_ , which is more than anyone else here can say."

Yeah, that'll win you friends _real_ fast. Seriously, how did Emiya stand your presence for more than five seconds?

You know what, if no one else is gonna say something, I will.

"Yeah, but, like, it's a bit much to think about, isn't it?" I offered, using my best ditzy airhead voice. "I mean, like, trying to kill someone _and_ studying at the same time? That's, like, too much!" I gave him my most sickeningly sweet smile. "So, could you, like, _not_ shoot that thing in class, pretty please?"

Ah, and _there's_ the blush. Damn fool was too busy enjoying my attention that he didn't catch the barb I threw in. Someone in the class did, if that snicker I heard was anything to go by. "W-Well, what I can I say, Kawashima-san?" Ugh, please put that gross smile away, Matou. "If a man sees a chance, he's got to take it, you know?"

I really deserved some kind of reward for having the willpower to not roll my eyes at that.

Thankfully, Sensei spoke up before I had to actually respond to such a stupid statement. "While I'll have to deduct points for self-deprecation, Kawashima-san does have a point." There wasn't any sympathy or pity in his tone. Interesting. He raised his right tentacle, poking one his fleshy fingers in the air. Ugh, those things were so gross. "No assassinations in class from now on. I'll allow it during P.E. class, but that's it! Understood?"

"Yes, Sensei," I chorused with the rest of the class. After Matou begrudgingly sat down, we resumed class once more.

Well, sort of. An hour later, a loud _thunk_ interrupted Sensei's lecture. I turned to see what the commotion was, along with the rest, and sure enough, it was our resident narcoleptic passed out once more on her desk. It'd happened twice yesterday, and it was a small miracle she'd lasted this long today.

"Agata-san, would you please try to wake up Iki-san?" Sensei asked, nonplussed.

"Okay." the grey-haired boy replied dully. Half the time I wondered if the kid was actually a robot. He half-heartedly poked her shoulder. "Oi, Iki-san. Iki-san. Um. Iki-san?"

Who the hell do you expect to wake up with that weak-ass meek act you got going on there? Seriously, you'd be better at lulling people to sleep with that voice of yours.

"Maybe try speaking up, Agata-san?" Gouda suggested helpfully. Yeah, no shit.

"It's fine," Sensei said assuredly, right before he disappeared in a loud _crack_ of wind. Another blink and he was back, gently lifting Iki's head so as to place a pillow beneath it and then set a blanket on her back. "Let her sleep for now. I'll just have to give her make-up lessons later is all. Now, if we conjugate-"

 _Then_ class resumed without further incident. Right as the final bell tolled, Sensei spoke up as we were leaving.

"By the way, kids, we're expecting three more students by the end of next week!" he announced, picking up his voice to be heard over the din of shuffling bags and chairs. "Make sure you give them a proper welcome as fellow assassins and classmates!"

He was answered by several attempts on his life. Matou's earlier attempt must have opened the floodgates, since more now seemed to join in.

I didn't bother, though; even an idiot could see that basic attacks wouldn't work on him. We had to be smarter than just blindly shooting or stabbing at him. Let the braindead morons flail around uselessly. I'd-

"Yahello, Amin-min!" called out Yuigahama as she bounced over to join me.

It was difficult not to barf at the overly-cutesy nickname she'd decided to give me. Stuff like that was bound to happen with the particular mask I decided to wear in class, but still. What was she, five?

"Hey, Yuigahama-san," I greeted with a sweet smile. "Are you not gonna try and kill Sensei too?"

"Eh, heh heh, maybe not right now," Yuigahama laughed nervously, brushing a lock of peach-colored hair behind her ear. "Honestly, it still feels kinda weird, being told to kill someone legally and all…"

"Yeah, it's like, totally weird," I commented half-heartedly. By now we'd gotten our shoes on and were starting to leave the building.

"By the way, how you handled Matou-san was so cool!" she praised quietly, leaning in and raising a hand to cover her mouth. With a knowing wink, she continued. "He didn't even catch it!"

Hm. Once again, she was a little sharper than she appeared. Maybe keeping her around would be a good idea, after all. She certainly seemed attached to me already, considering she was talking to me more than the others for now. I guess she took my little plea for friendship a bit more seriously than I'd anticipated.

"Matou-san's a doofus," declared a gruff voice from behind us. "No surprise he missed somethin' like that."

"Oh, yahello, Ecchan!" Yuigahama cheerfully greeted the tall blonde girl that started to walk alongside.

Whose face immediately turned a bright crimson. "Oi, I told ya to quit callin' me that!" she shouted. Her name… it was Echizen, right? I hadn't bothered trying to talk to her, since her overall demeanor, from her harsh face and gruff voice, made her seem like an undesirable.

"Sorry, sorry!" Yuigahama hastily apologized, but she didn't seem to wholly mean it. The entire exchange had a feeling as though it'd been played hundreds of times before. These two must have been familiar with each other before coming to Class E together.

Echizen cleared her throat. "W-Well, so long as you're sorry." And of course, Yuigahama was quickly forgiven. Us pretty girls had that going for us, at least. Her narrow eyes reminded me of a cat's as they slid over to regard me. "Yo, Kawashima-san."

"Hi, um…" I tapped a finger against my chin, eyes widening as I looked up to the sky. "Ecchichan?"

 _Yikes_ , if looks could kill. Yeah, she's gonna be all sorts of _fun_.

After spending a few moments glaring at me, which I matched with my own clueless expression, Echizen slowly looked at Yuighama. "Oi, I thought we were friends, Yuigahama. You teachin' people things you shouldn't?"

"H-H-Hey, I didn't tell her to say that!" the poor girl on my right protested, wildly swinging her arms in the air. "Amin-min, stop getting me in trouble!"

I didn't bother hiding my laughter. I could allow myself that simple pleasure, right?

As Yuigahama and Echizen bantered around me, I watched the rest of our classmates start to filter off the campus. A couple were obvious loners, like Natsuki and Aisaka, but I still didn't see a single group larger than two, maybe three people. Everyone stuck to their own tiny cliques, it seemed. I guess being in Class E also meant you weren't the most sociable of people. There were exceptions, of course, Yuigahama being the outstanding example.

"Hey, get back here!" shouted a girl, who sprinted past us in a pink blur. All I saw was a faint impression of red glasses and curly pink hair before she was already gone, chasing after a panicked-looking boy with dirty blonde hair. The girl was… Kuriyama, right? The boy was Kanbara, who I immediately disregarded as wholly plain and uninteresting.

Sheesh, girl, at least _try_ to be a little coy if you're interested in the guy. Just because all men secretly wanted girls to throw themselves at them didn't you mean _should_.

Jeez, this class really was chock full of weirdoes, wasn't it?


	5. Hachiman II

**Hachiman II**

If I thought that the agent who'd delivered Sensei's papers to me had a high Men in Black reading, then the tall, dark, and spiky man that had approached me later that day blew him out of the damn water. I half-expected him to introduce himself as "Mistuh Smithsu", horribly pronounced English and everything. As it was, I highly doubted "Karasuma" was his actual name.

Either way, "Karasuma" (who will indeed be referred to only in sarcastic quotations marks until I get legal proof that is his real name) proceeded to inform me of my clandestine mission: to kill my Sensei! For profit and the safety of the world, but mostly for profit!

I would've laughed right in his face if I didn't think he'd disappear me.

Naturally, I assumed it was some elaborate prank that Komachi was pulling on her poor older brother. Seriously, you'll be losing lots of points with me for getting my hopes like that! Don't you know it's an adolescent boy's dream to save the world and acquire all the perks that come with it?! No amount of hospital visits and offers to cook breakfast could pay for such a travesty! Though… Maybe if you pay for my MAX coffee every day for the rest of my life. If you find that disagreeable, we can negotiate terms at a later date.

Unfortunately, "Karasuma" had indeed been proven correct after my new Sensei slithered his way into my hospital room. I wasn't sure what was more absurd: his entire existence or the _totally humans, guys, nothing suspicious to see here_ disguise he wore. And why was he dressed as a doctor? Did he actually think doing that doing so would arouse no suspicion? You're in hospital! Everyone pays attention to the doctor!

I suppose I should have been flabbergasted, bamboozled, and other various synonyms for shocked at my circumstances, but I prided myself on my ability to accept cruel, cruel reality. As insane as it was being taught by a moon-destroying emoji-octopus that I had to somehow kill by the end of March next year, it was undeniably my new reality, even if it felt like it was ripped straight out of Shonen Jump.

Hm, he never told me his name. Perhaps Emoji-sensei. Or Octo-sensei. Personally, I'm leaning toward Emoji-sensei, but I'll have to review it with my peers. Ha, just kidding, I'd never care about an opinion that wasn't my own! Insert evil laughter here.

 _Knock knock_.

Ah, a visitor. It was just after school, so it wasn't my parents. Hopefully it was Komachi, come to show her support for my speedy recovery. That would certainly bring her back into my good graces, after the fiasco with that fictitious prank she had pulled in my imagination.

"Come in," I shot back dully, not looking up from my book.

"Good afternoon, Hikigaya-san!" Damn, it was Emoji-sensei, come for his daily checkup and study session, a routine that had started with the school year three days ago. Why he always bothered was beyond me. If you're going to just end up destroying the world at the end of the year, why should you even pretend to care about a hospitalized student? Curiously, he hadn't come in through the window like he usually did. "One of your friends tagged along with me this time to see how you were doing."

I have friends? Now _that_ was a riot! Especially when I saw that my supposed "friend" was a girl, and a cute one at that. I hadn't spoken to a girl in the past two years save for Mom and Komachi, but they didn't count.

"H-Hi there, Hikigaya-san," the pink-haired girl greeted, giving me a beatific smile. Damn, she really was cute. Luckily I had measures in place to keep myself from falling for her, no matter how nice she looked or sounded. "I'm Madoka Kaname, one of your classmates. How are you feeling?"

Looking her over more, I couldn't recall a single time she and I had spoken in the past. I recognized her, of course; pink hair wasn't exactly overly common, even considering the fact that damn near most girls were dying their hair to feel like special snowflakes and stand out from the crowd. Don't you know that if everyone is trying to stand out from the crowd, you _become_ the crowd? It was a tale as old as time, really. To slay monsters you must become a monster. Where was I going with this again?

Ah, right. To summarize a long story, I knew her without knowing her. I distinctly remembered an awkward glance shared between the two of us, once upon an unfortunate morning, but that was it. So I couldn't fathom why Kaname would go all this way just to see how I "felt". Did she really care so much about her nice girl persona that she had to maintain it in front of me, of all people?

"Fine," I replied, looking out the window. "But don't you have better things to do than visit a stranger?"

"Well, I do have a couple friends waiting for me outside," she admitted sheepishly. I wasn't looking directly at her, but I could imagine her looking down and blushing. Too cute! In an ideal world, maybe, but I stopped dwelling in that kind of place long ago. "But it's not like we're going to be strangers for long! We're in Class E, right? So we really should all work together and be friends."

This girl must have been dismally low on the social totem pole if she was seeking an ally in me. Aside from the usual struggles that came from being in Class E, there was the added obstacle of assassinating our Sensei. It was only logical, from her perspective, to make sure we all cooperated toward the same goal.

Unfortunately for her, she couldn't have picked a worse person to team up with.

"Besides, when Sensei told me you were injured and that you rarely had any visitors, I just thought you might like a little company," Kaname continued. Oi, Emoji-sensei, just because it's true that barely anyone visits me in here doesn't mean you had to gossip about me behind my back! But more importantly, how honestly she said such a sweet thing confirmed my suspicions.

Madoka Kaname was a Nice Girl. She was only checking up on me because it was the Nice Thing to Do. I could go on capitalizing Words to make them sound More Important, but that'd be beyond pointless.

"I have plenty of company," I said, turning to face her. "Nurses check on me regularly, my little sister stops by once a day, and he," I jerked my head to our Sensei, "keeps popping in to make sure I'm on track for my studies. So there's really no reason for you to be here."

"Oh," she sighed dejectedly. "I'm… I'm sorry you feel that way. But still." Quicker than I expected, Kaname seemed to recover, fixing me with a determined look and a smile. "You seem kinda lonely to me. Would it be okay if I visit you from time to time? Who knows, maybe having someone else to talk to might speed your recovery!"

She honestly believed that.

"That sounds like a wonderful idea, Kaname-san!" Emoji-sensei encouraged, resting his… hand… on her shoulder. "Hikigaya-san would certainly benefit from being around his peers while his leg heals." Oi, was that a jab at me?

"… I don't care what you do," I answered truthfully. "If you want to waste your time, that's your choice. It won't change anything."

"Well, I think it will," Kaname easily retorted in that sweet voice of hers. Just then, a phone began buzzing from her bag. "Oh, shoot, Sayaka and Hitomi probably got impatient… I'm sorry, but I gotta run for now! See you tomorrow, Hikigaya-kun!"

"Oi, where'd the 'kun' come from?" I tried to shout, but she was already out the door.

Emoji-sensei watched her go with his ever-present smile. "Kaname-san is quite the gentle soul," he said.

"A gentle soul that's also a paid killer," I shot back. I set aside my book; focusing on anything besides Sensei when he was trying to teach had quickly proven futile. My prison sentence had begun earlier than I'd planned, sadly.

"Nuruhuhu, as always, you are technically correct, Hikigaya-san," Emoji-sensei chuckled, pulling out various folders from his robes. Today's assignments, undoubtedly. "Assassination may indeed not suit Kaname-san more than most, but I have high hopes for her, as I do for all of you."

"Do these 'high hopes' pertain to us actually killing you, or simply to provide some entertainment before you destroy everything?" I asked.

Emoji-sensei regarded me silently for a moment. For not the first time, I wished I could read his damn face. I'd dumped all of my points into skills that led me to be woefully unprepared for dealing with octopoid creatures, which now, with that cruel mistress Hindsight-sama, I utterly regretted.

"Hikigaya-san, I'm curious as to how you developed such a thorny exterior," he eventually said. "Most youths your age aren't so cynical without dramatic circumstances to have occurred in your life."

"Don't lump me in whatever the hell you call 'youth'," I replied. Despite my harsh words, my voice was calm. "Youth is a lie, told by hypocrites for hypocrites. It's just an excuse to be cruel and make mistakes."

"Hm, I see now," Emoji-sensei nodded. "I thought that perhaps this was a byproduct of Kunugigaoka's educational model, but it seems the problem runs deeper than I thought. Hikigaya-san, don't you worry!"

"I'm not-"

"Sensei will work tirelessly from now on to replace your cynical youth!" he continued gleefully, pointing a tentacle at me. "With a _savage_ youth!"

Before I could retort, he began whipping out schoolwork at Mach 20 and hitting me with questions. I barely had any time to reflect on what the hell he meant. "Savage youth"? Idiot, what was I supposed to make of that?

That night, I had an odder dream than usual. I was lying in my bed in the hospital, staring at the shadows with heavy eyes. A mysterious girl, beautiful beyond compare, stared intently at my leg, long flowing black hair reaching down to her legs. She rested her hands on my leg, which began to emanate an ominous purple light.

It was warm.

It was hard to see the girl's face, but what I could see was expressionless. A cold, harsh beauty. It didn't suit the feeling of the purple light at all.

When I woke up that morning, much of my pain was gone. I could even move my leg leagues better than I could yesterday. I strongly suspected that my doctor would inform me, baffled beyond reason, that my leg had healed far more quickly than conceivably possible.

When did my life become straight out of a manga?


	6. Anri II & Nagisa III

**Anri II**

"Alright, we're gonna go over the plan one more time," Tenga announced, folding his arms and looking over everyone. Most of Class E were huddled together in the main classroom, clutching our various weapons.

"Why? We've already heard it twice," groaned Kanbara, running a hand through his dirty blonde hair.

"Unlike you, Tenga-san, most of us do not have low attention spans," Maki added, folding her arms and peering at him haughtily behind her glasses.

"No need to be rude," Yuta said, putting on a forced smile in an attempt to dissuade her.

 _I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you._

I kept my distance, standing at the fringe of the group. I was going to participate in the latest assassination attempt, but it was for the best that I wasn't too close to anyone during it. Saika could get irritable at the worst of times, and would likely try to sneak a cut on someone if they were close enough. That was also why I'd chosen the pistol over the knife; the latter was far too risky, and I had no idea what would happen if I used Saika to attack Sensei.

I had to assume the worst.

"Oi, like it or not, we're goin' over it again!" Tenga retorted, glaring at no one in particular. After taking a breath to calm himself, he looked to his left. "Team A, what's your job?"

"Lock all the windows," Sunakawa replied disinterestedly. Despite his dull, monotonous voice, a lot of the girls were giving him their undivided attention. "And stack up the desks and chairs along the windows so he can't just unlock them right away. Once we're done, guard the home ec door and, when the assassination starts, keep shooting and poking our knives out."

The rest of Team A, comprised of Takashiro, Agata, Kanbara, and Yuigahama, all bobbed their heads once in unison.

 _I love you. I love you. I love you. I love them. I love you._

Tenga flashed them a grin and a thumbs-up. "Good. Team B?" He swiveled his head to the left.

"Stick a shit ton of anti-sensei pellets all over the staff room and its door," Matou answered. "Then guard the second classroom door."

That time, Kaname, Kawashima, Yuta, and Kuriyama nodded.

Tenga nodded. "Team C?"

"Hold the main classroom doors super tight!" Niiyama shouted, excitedly bouncing where she stood. Where did that girl get her energy? Did she ever get tired?

"Should be easy," Echizen, the only other member of Team C, snorted.

 _I love you. I love you. I love you. Let me love them. I love you._

"Let's hope so," Tenga grinned. He looked over at the one boy that towered over us all. "You, big guy?"

"Hold the door," Gouda rumbled. For a moment, he actually looked rather ominous, like an avalanche just waiting to bury us, before his features softened and he scratched at his chin. "That is, the entrance doors, right? That really all?"

"Trust me, he ain't getting' past you that way," Tenga assured him, patting his shoulder. "Besides, we can't really split up any more than we already have."

"Indeed," Yaoyorozu chimed in. "If even one of our groups is lacking, this whole operation will fall apart. While admittedly we're not quite… assassins…" The tall girl seemed bothered by the word. "Our numbers are our primary advantage over him and we need to exploit that."

"Not that it really matters," Matou whined from the back, tossing his knife up in the air. "Bastard's too damn fast."

"Do you _have_ to complain all the time?" Takashiro responded, disgust plain in her voice.

"Just stating the obvious," he grumbled. Matou had tried more than anyone else to kill Sensei so far, failing horribly every time and growing bitter because of it. I couldn't have been the only one to notice, but no one seemed willing to tell him not to take it so hard. It wasn't exactly like he was easy to talk to.

" _Anyway_ ," Tenga intervened with a growl. "Team D?"

"Line up at the end of the hall," Yaoyorozu instantly replied. "And keep firing down the hall until the assassination is done. That's it."

That was the team I was assigned to, so I nodded a beat after my other team members, Nagisa, Kayano, Iki, Maki, and Natsuki. Our team was the largest, and it had to be; our primary goal was to suppress Sensei and keep him on his toes in the only area he could easily access. Admittedly, it still felt odd to be on what was more or less a firing squad, but… I'd been in odder situations, and my classmates were swiftly growing more at ease with becoming assassins.

 _Let me love them. I love you. I love you. Let me love them._

I supposed if I were a normal person, I should have been disturbed by the notion.

"Which just leaves us, Team E!" Tenga declared, clapping Emiya on the shoulder next to him and grinning at Aisaka. "Us three will get up close and personal with Sensei, goin' at him with knives and grittin' our teeth through the B.B.s!"

"Hell yeah!" Aisaka grinned savagely. The small girl was almost always sulky, save for when it came to violence. "Let's kick his ass!"

"I don't have a problem being on the frontlines," Emiya sighed. "But you don't have to be so excited about it."

"Oh, before I forget." Tenga grabbed three pairs of lab goggles that had been hanging off the door and handed one to Aisaka and Emiya. "Don't want to get B.B.s in your eyes."

"Wow, you're like, so smart!" Kawashima said. I feared that if her voice went any higher than my ears might bleed. "I _never_ would've thought of that!"

I noticed Maki rolling her eyes in the corner.

"Heh, I have my moments," Tenga replied, blushing slightly. "But anyway! Sensei's gonna be here soon! Let's get this started!"

We all rushed to our positions. My grip on the air rifle tightened and I could feel the metal groan beneath my fingers. Saika continued to whisper in my head, her ever-present voice growing excited as she doubtlessly sensed my rising emotions. I suppressed them, forcing my mind to go blank, a practice I was long used to.

 _I love you. I love you. Let me love them. Let me love them. Let me love them. Let me love them._

I took a deep breath. It was almost time.

 **Nagisa III**

It was the best plan we'd come up with in the four days since our assassination classroom began. It was also the first that relied heavily on everyone cooperating together. The personalities in this class tended to clash even without the stress of trying to kill Sensei. Something worse than sparks might fly when our blood gets up.

But that couldn't stop us. I, at least, would do everything I could to make sure things ran smoothly.

"You nervous at all, Nagisa?" asked Kayano, giving me a smile as we joined our team at the end of the hallway.

"Mm, maybe a little," I admitted, returning her smile. I wasn't sure why she tended to gravitate toward me in these kinds of situations. It wasn't like I knew her before I joined Class E; she just transferred to Kunugigaoka High only right before the school year started. It must've only been because our seats were right next to each other. "But it's also a little exciting, isn't it?"

"I wish I was on the frontline, though," Iki bemoaned, staring longingly at where our three close quarters fighters were standing. "I wanna try a new wrestling move I saw last night on Sensei."

"We could hardly risk you passing out when you're needed most," Maki pointed out coldly as she walked ahead of us. "It's for the best that you don't have a crucial role." Though her tone was harsh, she did have a point. Sadly, being narcoleptic didn't exactly instill trust to pull through on operations like this.

Hurt flashed in Iki's pink eyes as she looked down. "You could've phrased that better," she mumbled.

"Oh, don't sweat it, Iki-san!" Natsuki offered encouragingly. He'd really opened up since that first day of class, considering he typically had a worn look in his eyes and a quiet, almost defeated demeanor. He was also one of the first to gleefully dive into assassination. Was it the promise of money or excitement that livened him up? "Personally, I wish I was going toe-to-toe with Sensei, too, but you have to admit those three have a good aptitude for it."

He was right, of course. Tenga, Emiya, and Aisaka weren't chosen at random for their jobs, even while most of the rest of us were. All three had a knack for physicality, something we all quickly learned in P.E. and Aisaka in particular was brutal when she cut loose, which was almost all the time. While Gouda could arguably herd Sensei better than anyone here, it was too likely he'd accidently block every single B.B. and botch the whole thing.

"I guess you have a point, Natsuki-san," Iki allowed, though she was still pouting.

"Please, just call me Subaru."

By then, we'd reached our position and started checking our rifles and ammo. It was still a little awkward for me, handling a weapon. It certainly seemed so for Maki and Iki, both of which almost dropped their guns with their fumbling. Yaoyorozu was unsure, too, but she hid it well. Everything about our Class Representative was stiff, but sometimes I wondered if that was on purpose or not. I'd seen the way she interacted with people in non-formal settings, and it was almost always awkward.

Sonohara, on the other hand, was utterly calm. She knew exactly what she was doing with her rifle, so much so that it made me curious. It was almost like she was used to situations like these.

"Sonohara-san?" I started. She let out a soft gasp, blinking once before turning to face me. I couldn't blame her for being surprised. Few spoke to her beside Kaname and Matou, though the latter only did so to hit on her. "Sorry for startling you, but-"

The familiar sound of a sonic boom shook the building.

"He's here," Yaoyorozu cut in. Every part of my body tensed instantly. "Get ready."

Any thought of Sonohara was washed away. Our target had finally arrived.

"Oh, good morning, Gouda-san!" Sensei's cheerful voice could be heard from the entrance. "I'm surprised to not see with your other half."

"Oh, S-Suna?" Of course, I should've known Gouda would be a terrible liar. I needed to update my notes. Too late now. "He, uh, ran late and told me to go ahead."

"I see, I see." Sensei was suspicious. He had to be. "Well, I certainly hope he gets here soon. Classes start in five minutes, after all!"

"I-I'll call him to make sure he gets here," Gouda hastily promised. Too hastily.

"Good man," Sensei said warmly. "Then I shall see you in class, Gouda-san." Squishy noises. He was walking inside. I could see him now, just passing the doors…

Which immediately slammed shut with a loud bang.

That was our cue.

"Fire!" Yaoyorozu shouted. I pulled the trigger. I could already hear Sensei's laughter.

"Good morning, Yaoyorozu-san, Nagisa-san, Kayano-san, Sonohara-san, Maki-san, Iki-san, Natsuki-san!" he calmly greeted us as his body blurred, dodging every single shot. "Ah, what lovely faces filled with bloodlust, and so early, too! You'll make Sensei weep with joy!"

He noticed that the home ec door was open. He was taking his time getting to it, too, moving almost leisurely. Reload. As leisurely as one can be going at Mach 20, at least.

"Fire!" Yaoyorozu shouted again, though this time not directed at us. Right before Sensei reached the door, Team A cut loose, creating a wall of B.B.s and poking knives. Reload. Sensei, clearly nonplussed, backed off a smidge and continued to dodge us.

The main classroom door slid open, and out charged Tenga, Emiya, and Aisaka, knives at the ready. Echizen and Niiyama quickly shut it again. "Oi, you octopus bastard!" Tenga roared in challenge. "Let's go!"

"Oh my, I can't believe my eyes!" Sensei joyfully replied. "This is the first day you're all working together as a class to kill me! You'll make your Sensei cry! I think I will!"

"Shut up and die already!" Aisaka screamed, the first to reach to him despite her short legs. He easily moved away from her wild thrusts, all the while wiping his eyes with a handkerchief.

"Now, now, Aisaka-san," Sensei chided. Tenga and Emiya had reached them now and joined in. Reload. "No need to ruin a perfectly good assassination with such an attitude! Besides…"

It was at that exact moment Aisaka had stabbed through Sensei's after-image and crashed headlong into Tenga. She'd put all her weight into the attack, which was enough to throw Tenga off balance and send them both tumbling down.

"An assassin must be just as mindful of her allies as she is of her target!" Sensei declared. Emiya tried his best to keep Sensei occupied, but the momentum was lost. Emiya was easily avoided, and even Team B's attempt at joining in the attack were pathetically irrelevant.

We lost sight of Sensei, and a second later the staff room door was thrust open. There was a rush of air and I blinked. My gun was gone from hands, replaced by a steaming cup of hot tea.

Even as the pleasant, smoky smell wafted up to my nose, my heart sank.

We lost.

"Black tea is well known for its healthy qualities," Sensei lectured, standing in the hallway with a cup of his own. The rest of Class E slowly filtered into the hall, each one cradling a cup. "So I made sure to get a personal favorite of mine for my beloved students! What you are now smelling is lapsang souchong, or "smoked tea", native to a small region in China and quite difficult to obtain! Drink up, drink up! I guarantee you'll feel refreshed." He began moving to the main classroom. "Once you're done, please get seated. I'll grade you all on your assassination soon enough, but for now class is about to start!"

We all stood there, bewildered with the creature we had just doggedly tried to kill. Our plan was flawed, obviously, but… we hadn't expected to be toyed with so easily. It was… disheartening.

All the same, I took a sip of the tea.

"Oh, it's actually pretty good!" I commented before I could stop myself. Everyone in the class turned to face me at once. Heat rushing to my face, I immediately curled into myself and reflexively backed up a step. "Um, sorry…"


	7. Hachiman III

**Hachiman III**

"Nothing short of miraculous…"

I put weight on my foot. Not even a trace of pain remained.

"Still would like to run tests…"

I experimented with the pressure. Nope, still no pain.

"Check in once a week, at least…"

My school year was starting to be far more complicated than expected, and I hadn't even been in class yet. I ignored my droning doctors and nurses, each more baffled than the last as they struggled to understand just how the hell my leg spat on logic and modern medicine. Inevitably, my parents pestered them to oblivion when it was clear I had fully recovered a full _five and a half weeks_ faster than originally projected. The labcoats all desperately wanted to know more, but my parents were ruthless. They wanted their son home, damn it!

It would have been touching, had it not meant I had to return to Kunugigaoka High and had I not known they really, _really_ wanted to stop getting hospital bills.

Emoji-sensei, once he found out, was disturbingly equal-parts overjoyed and depressed with my speedy recovery. While he was (naturally) ecstatic that I would finally be joining the rest of my classmates, he loudly lamented that there would be no more daily visits with Kaname. It wasn't hard to see through him in that regard. The bastard was trying to get me to raise as many flags with her as possible so that I would be forced down the Kaname Route that was undoubtedly playing out in the imaginary dating sim in his head.

Ha. As if I'd let you live vicariously through me, Emoji-sensei! And don't subject that poor girl to a Hachiman Route, it would only end in tears.

But anyway. I was leaving the hospital in the middle of the day, which meant no parents or dramatically-sobbing Komachi to loudly cry out "Onii-chan!" with joy as she tackle-hugged me. I'm sure it would have been quite the heart-warming scene, mixed in with some good ol' physical comedy and remarks from me about how she almost sent me right back to the hospital, if it had been allowed to happen in the first place. I'm sorry, Komachi, but thanks to this work-worshipping society we live in, you have missed an opportunity to earn more points. You are resourceful, however, so I'm sure you will find another chance soon enough.

So I walked out of the hospital alone, which was perfectly fine by me. Doing things alone suited me best. As I walked past an alleyway between the hospital and whatever building lay next door, I was forced to wince at the sunlight and raise a hand to shield my eyes.

"Oh air conditioning, how I already miss your cool touch," I grumbled under my breath.

"That's quite an odd thing to say!" chuckled a feminine voice nearby. I turned to see a girl, standing in the alleyway, looking at me, raising a hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter. Was her blonde hair seriously styled into drills? That couldn't have been comfortable, let alone easy to maintain. I was prepared to simply walk away from the weird girl and her overwhelmingly anime hairstyle, but I recognized the school uniform she wore.

She was from Kunugigaoka High. And not only that, but judging from the minute differences compared to my own, she was my upperclassmen as well.

Damn it. One of the last people I ever wanted to run into. Class E's faces had a habit of being memorized by every student at Kunugigaoka, much like how that of a world famous terrorist or human rights violator would, so they always had a target for their hatred and discrimination. It was far too likely that she recognized from that alone…

Wait. School was in session right now. So what was she doing here? Could it be that this girl had accidentally given me dirt on her?

"It's even odder to find a Kunugigaoka High student out and about during class," I remarked, giving her a once-over. She certainly didn't look like your typical delinquent, but then again types like those never survived Kunugigaoka. They were inevitably churned through the grinder and spat out like the human debris they were. "One could even say that the stars would have to align for such an event to occur, Senpai."

Directly addressing her as my senpai could be construed as a threat, I knew. Students ratting out on their peers was actually an encouraged practice, as anything perceived as weakness was actively sought out and destroyed by student and faculty alike. It was perfectly within my power to report to some teacher about her little hooky and potentially curry enough favor to leave Class E.

Not that I would. Such methods disgusted me. If you wanted to climb to the top, at least have the decency to look someone in the eye when you trampled them underfoot. I would rather honestly face someone's hatred of me head on a thousand times than impersonally stab them in the back.

If Senpai wanted to believe that, though, that was fine. I was curious about her reasons for not being in school, and I doubted she would illicit such information willingly.

She regarded me for a moment, tilting her head to the side, before letting out another stifled giggle.

"Guilty as charged," she freely admitted, holding her hands behind her back. Somehow, she made such a gesture seem dignified and mature. Was she one of those "ojou-sama" type girls, then? I wouldn't be surprised if she were a member of the Student Council or the head of some club. That fit the stereotype, right? The thought fluttered away when she gave me a playful wink. "Still, someone from Class E threatening a senior from Class A? Rather bold, aren't you?"

Ah, a "big sister" type then, and a lackadaisical one at that. Ugh.

"I'm far from bold," I assured her. "In fact, if you were to take a poll, most would say I was rather cowardly. But that would mean that 'most' would have to actually know me in the first place, and I pride myself on being an unknown entity."

"And yet I was able to recognize you," she pointed out, resting her hands on her hips. "So you're not really doing so hot on the whole unknown thing."

"Correction: you know my face, not my character," I retorted. I frowned when I realized I had been distracted from my original goal. Had I really been so starved for human contact in the hospital that I was so eager to talk with a strange girl on the street? The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to go home and curl up in a ball in my bed. My curiosity faded. "Well, I'll be off now." I moved to leave.

The girl made a disappointed sound. "That's no fun," she pouted.

"What am I, a circus performer that lives for the entertainment of others?" I coolly replied. "You should be happy to have as much time with me as you did, Senpai. My conversational skills are unparalleled and the envy of all who bear witness to them. The source is me."

"How reliable!" She started to laugh again, but it quickly died. I glanced at her and saw a sad smile crawl on her face. "Though it's probably for the best that you go…"

Hm, a flag. But for what? A route? Or would pursuing that line force me down a dramatic tale of adventure and tragedy, opening a whole new world of danger and excitement that I would be forcibly dragged into by my undying love for my Blonde Drill Senpai in an Alleyway?

Pass. Give it time, Senpai, I'm sure some other perfectly-average, well-meaning, emotional blank slate of a second-year high school boy will come by and act on your route.

A shame, truly. The big sister archetype wasn't terribly popular in these kinds of scenarios. Forgive me, Senpai, but we all must bow down to the tastes of the masses.

"Alright," I said, actually leaving that time. "See you around, Senpai."

"See you around, Class E."

I didn't look back at her as we parted. I'm sure I wouldn't have cared for her expression if I had.

Events that played out after that encounter went as expected. I arrived home, forced down a cliché comment about a familiar ceiling, and enjoyed my calm before the storm. Komachi and my parents arrived home, familial joy and banter was exchanged, etcetera, etcetera.

I laid awake that night, finding sleep elusive. Since the dream-that-I-strongly-doubted-was-actually-a-dream (someone really needed to coin up a term for that. Perhaps "something that actually happened?"), I half-expected my dark and mysterious healer to visit me in the night and drag me into some adventure.

My imagination ran wild, naturally. I blamed Emoji-sensei. His very existence was the catalyst for the odd events in my life, I knew. And now I would be spending most of my week with him and my fellow "assassins". No doubt the atmosphere would be lively and filled with camaraderie, the bonds between them all firmly established and entrenched while I was gone. Once again, I was destined to walk the path of the loner.

That was fine by me. Tomorrow, my school year started properly. And I would avoid every damn flag raised my way. I was dedicated to the sedentary life. Calls to adventure and romance were solely for those who unflinchingly lived up to the label of "youth".


End file.
